The House Fairy – Edward Ahern [Fiction]

The House Fairy

          “You’re infested with house fairies.”
          Leslie looked like she’d bitten into a rotten fruit. “Don’t talk crazy, Michaela. It’s mice.
Worse, maybe rats. Fairies are superstition, and I never even heard of house fairies.”
          Michaela took off her Ascotty summer hat and sat down on a sofa. “You’ll wish it was
rats. Stolen jewellery replaced with flowers, refrigerator food nibbled on, strange sounds. Oh yeah,
Mediocris Surbanis Suis., house fairy.You live alone, Leslie, it’s not a roommate teasing you.”
          Leslie sat next to her and touched Michaela’s shoulder. “I’ll play along with your gag.
How do I get rid of house fairies? Rat traps?”
          Michaela’s expression was sad. “Suburban fairies are the worst kind. They’re greedy,
selfish and egotistical, just like the human occupants. And unlike their woodland relatives they
break their promises. They have no morals, breeding like mice, and their lack of ethics is
Trumpian. Only thing to do is burn the place down and claim on the insurance.”
          “Bitch.”
          The word seemed to come right out of the facing wall.
          “Don’t believe her lies, Les.”
          Leslie, pale by nature, was the color of cheap copy paper. “Who said that?”
          Michaela grinned. “It worked. House fairies are vain and lose their cool if insulted. We
know you’re there, you may as well come out.”
          A flap of pastel wallpaper curled back and a chubby, nude girl figure of maybe seven
inches stepped out. No wings, frizzy hair, scattered pimples. “Don’t listen to Ms. Hot Flash. We
brighten your emotional life with enhancing pheromones.”
          Leslie was still in shock, but blurted out, “Pheromones? What the hell?”
          “Used to be called pixie dust. Aren’t you happier now than you were before you moved
in?”
          “Uh, maybe, but that’s because I dumped my old partner.”
          “No, that’s because we heighten your senses and brighten your dreams.”
Michaela opened her mouth to speak and the fairy waved her into silence.
          “Quiet or I’ll crap in your hat.”
          “Here’s the deal, Leslie. You can’t get rid of us without destroying the place, and we
don’t want to move. You ignore our noshing on your food and we’ll keep you in fine emotional
states. Think of us as inexpensive Life Coaches.”
          Leslie’s mouth had dropped open, not a becoming look. She shut it and said. “Okay,
maybe, but you’ve got to give the jewellery back.”
          The fairy frowned, creating multiple dimples. “Can’t do that, but we can trade. The next
yard sale you go by, get a handful of costume jewellery. It’s bright we like, not expensive. Okay?”
          Leslie nodded, blue tinged hair swinging back and forth. “Okay.”
          The fairy turned to go back into the wall, exposing a matronly derriere. “You probably
won’t see us again. Just take us on faith.”
          The sprite stepped behind the curled wallpaper, which laid back down onto the wall.
          Michaela patted Leslie’s hand. “I thought that went well.”

 

By Edward Ahern

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