Open Mic Night – Romana Guillotte [Fiction]

*Tap*Tap*

Inaudible swearing

Yes, thank you, Jeanette, for that rousing one woman/ten minute performance of Waiting for Godot and thanks again to Tony in the kitchen for the quick fire extinguisher work.

*Coughs*

Now, a few announcements before continuing with our program, including this lady here to my immediate left. The sign about Snapchat filters wasn’t a joke, please put your phone in airplane mode as requested.

Inaudible heckling.

Yes, so you’ve met my mother.

*Rimshot*

Don’t do that, I told you already. Okay, other announcements:

*Pulls small receipt from pocket*

The white zone out back is for unloading only, and not for parking, but the white zone out front is ONLY for parking. This means that whichever person that drives the Tesla, it needs to be moved. We all know who that is.

Audible chair screech across a floor.

The bar will close for ten minutes during the American Sign Language performance/round robin of Don McLean’s “American Pie” in respect to the performers. They also ask that you please do not use the kazoos passed out during the avant-garde performance art piece earlier in the program.

Light kazooing.

Management also wants to apologize again to the Hand-somes/Foot-somes for the lineup falling as it did with that oversight.

*Clears Throat*

Management also wants to REMIND THE FRONT ROW about the Gallagher tribute that will end the show tonight and that slickers are available. They will also not be responsible for any dry cleaning bills as this is the seventh reminder after the waiver that was signed upon purchase of the tickets.

More light kazooing and a little swearing.

And final announcement, due to a cold and a rash, there will be no lip-synch of “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but instead perform another Queen song entitled “Death on Two Legs”.

Audible moans and sad kazooing, a few chair screeches.

Now as a reminder, turn your cell phones to airplane mode, beepers off Jeff and Terry, and enjoy our next set of performers, starting with my cousin Bobby and his clog group as they do their Marvel Medley. Thank you.

*Audibly claps into the mic*

Claps and a kazoo or two.

By Romana Guillotte

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